Monday, March 14, 2005

Yeah so me and ayako broke up. Really sad but really inevitable. I wish I could just complain about her but realistically she was great, I think I just have a really hard time being happy and I am not sure why. I sure don’t like it.

In other news I learned a few more kanji expressions which I will share with you all:

色即是空 – shikisokuzekuu – apparently this is one of yoshimitsu’s lines in t5 dan. It is from the lotus sutra, and it basically means that “All is vanity,” the “real world” is an illusion, nothing is real. It’s probably the Japanese for what J says at the end of CB, though I have to go watch ep26 to be sure.

生者必滅 - shoujahitsumetsu. This means that all living things die. Boy, I hate to be predictable, but the old Japanese must have just loved this stuff as much as I do. I do love the doom and gloomy and theatrical despair, though I don’t like actually being unhappy. I am pretty sure the two are almost unrelated.

悲歌慷慨 - hikakougai. Indignant lamentation over the evils in the world.

針小棒大 - shinshouboudai. Small needle big pole, ie, turning a molehill into a mountain.

主客転倒 - shukakutentou. The host and the guest are reversed (like in a bar). It means that priorities are backwards, things are fucked up, relative importance is skewed. A college student who spends all his time working and not enough time studying.

面従腹背 ― menjuufukuhai. Face forward stomach back. IE, loyalty on one’s face but betrayal in one’s heart.

明鏡止水 - meikyoushisui. Polished mirror still water. Serenity.

一期一会 - ichigoichie. Once in a lifetime, but I guess the usage is more like, every time you meet with someone, every time you do something, treat it like it matters because it could be the last time or somesuch. Just act like everything you do it is your only chance to do it. I like this one a lot.

泣き面に鉢 - nakitsura ni hachi. This isn’t a yojijukugo, it is just an expression, but how can you say no to “Bees to a crying face”? It’s like salt in wounds, when it rains it pours etc.

半死半生 - hanshihanshou. Half dead half alive. Self-explanatory.

酒池肉林 - shuchinikurin. Fountain of booze, forest of flesh. Debauchery, extravagance.

So on a less (more?) serious note, I had never been able to beat tekken force before (and this part I suppose is relevant only to those who know what I am talking about). I would occasionally make it to stage 3 but never farther, though I suppose I never really sat down to get the damn job done. After Ayako left last night I was so angry with myself that I decided to take it out on Heihachi and his cronies and I just played through the whole damn thing on one life, fueled by rage and auto-destructive impulses. Nobody could touch me. It almost scared me, like I wasn’t even the one doing it, steve just did his thing, he was pissed off. I felt so powerful.

It’s of course not about the stupid game, it’s the clarity of purpose and essentially intuitive problem solving. It happened to be tekken but I probably would have beat the shit out of say Karen from Jamaica or had some breakthrough in my Japanese or built a website designed and powered by fury had that been the situation.

And the source of that energy was the detachment, I didn’t give a shit what I was doing I just wanted to break things. I am glad I was in my apartment and sober and not at a party with a bunch of people that irritated me. And I’m glad I got it out of my system before I left, I went to Pats to eat with him and alex and Jackie later that night and was just kinda sad and no longer furious.

I don’t understand why simple happiness is so complicated. I could delight ayako for a week with a smile. How crummy of me to leave her instead. But I guess I have to try to keep looking. I dunno. No matter what or who I find its never enough, so the problem is inside, but fuck if I know. This is why I didn’t date for most of college. I think I might just become a slag like Todd and ravage the Japanese countryside in desperation and fury. Fuck ‘em all.
Gawsh! Does anyone really care? I doubt they'll even bother reading it. They'll porbably just burn it.
What an idiot! Gawd!
Gawsh! Does anyone really care? I doubt they'll even bother reading it. They'll probably just burn it.
What an idiot! Gawd!
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