Wednesday, January 05, 2005

pandering to my pretentious peers prolifically

There's some scene in Shaw's "Man and Superman" (and I know that should be underlined or italicized, but ya know what? I don't...care.) where the ghost of Don Juan is in hell with one of the many ladies he had wooed and she is old and just finally died and got there and he was going on and on about something and she was all pissed that she was in hell and he told her "oh, well you can go to heaven if you want, there's a boat (or something like that) but odds are if you're here it's just cuz you'd like it more here" and yadda yadda yadda and she was all scandalized and there comes a point where there is a debate between Don Juan, the Devil, the woman (Ana's)'s father (who is a statue) and the woman herself. I don't remember what they were debating exactly and this is all out of context but I remembered the punchline when I wrote the title to this entry so bear with me.

Ahem.

[DON JUAN. [somewhat impatiently] My point, you marbleheaded oldmasterpiece, is only a step ahead of you. Are we agreed that Lifeis a force which has made innumerable experiments in organizingitself; that the mammoth and the man, the mouse and themegatherium, the flies and the fleas and the Fathers of theChurch, are all more or less successful attempts to build up thatraw force into higher and higher individuals, the idealindividual being omnipotent, omniscient, infallible, and withalcompletely, unilludedly self-conscious: in short, a god?

THE DEVIL. I agree, for the sake of argument.

THE STATUE. I agree, for the sake of avoiding argument.

ANA. I most emphatically disagree as regards the Fathers of theChurch; and I must beg you not to drag them into the argument.

DON JUAN. I did so purely for the sake of alliteration, Ana]

So yes. I like that Don Juan in a dream of a character in a play by George Bernard Shaw would be clever enough to make a statement purely for the sake of alliteration and then defend it as such.

Am I going off the deep end?

I guess THE point I am trying to make is, you probably have something better to be doing than reading this rambunctious rambling rubbish, but by all bloody babbling means, may you meander meaninglessly through the torrent of trite tepid trivilalities I spew sporadically through this vageuly cyberspacial vacuum of a void.

I am at work now and am getting my work done so well that I am all caught up with everything and waiting for my boss to finish checking it so I can do it again. And my other boss told me my reading has improved a lot, cuz we read out of this dopey book every morning. I used to hate it here but now I think I am finally okay. I think coming in late on the first day of the new year kind of just fixed everything, I now no longer feel like I have to even remotely impress anyone and that leaves me free to just open my head and play by ear and do everything I do for me and not for them. And while that may sound irresponsible and childish, I think in the end it is going to work out best for everyone. It means my opinion of myself as an employee is on par with theirs, and when nakamotosan makes some sort of condescending comment I can laugh cuz I know it's true. The whole thing seems like a bit of a game now, almost. Which is how it should have seemed from the start. So from here on out my most real education begins. This is going well.

I don't mean for that to sound ironic, either. I finally feel free and not scared - this was part of the original plan, it just took a bit longer than I expected. However, I have had this revelation prior to starting my 6month track at the chemical company next month. This means I can go in there confidently. I feel my powers returning. Just a little bit...but it means I'm still in the fight. I was a bit hopeless about this internship, to be honest - but fuck that shit. Now time to get into kendo again. Izo inspired me ;)

Wow, I feel really good today for some reason. Stayed up a bit late last night, reading a book that is >okay< (sorry Jackie, it's okay but I dunno about great or even awesome, though it is original), so I should be really tired. But instead I feel ahead of the game.

Maybe I should have given up AIM at work ages ago. No "told you so" Jon.

No work monday. It is "Adults Day" which I assume has somethign to do with the adult ceremony. Everyone who turns 20 in a given year does the ceremony together, sort of a rite of passage deal where they presumably say "Okay, you can smoke and drink now, have fun."

I let slip to Ayako that I have a blog but told her she can't read it. Is that mean? Probably. I want like nobody in Niihama to read it, this has to be my escape from Niihama. See how special you are, Jackie? And that's two references in one entry. And none to Brian. I like Ayako. I don't think I will fall in love with her, but actually that is a lie I suspect I will and will have a shit year when I go back because I'll be stressing either about having broken up with her or not having broken up with her. But now I am getting a bit ahead of myself.

So I have always been a bit of a pretentious ass and my opinion of myself has always been pretty high (reference my Achilles post) but now my confidence is coming back and it feels a little bit different - I don't feel confident like that I am better than everyone else but rather confident that I can rise to the ocassion, whatever it may be. That seems like a good change, ne? Maybe this trip will fix me. I'd better take a quick foray into random unprotected sex and heavy drug use just in case.

In all seriousness though I feel on top of the world like I can look at anything and walk away with something from it. I feel clever but not superior, sharp but not bladed. This is such an odd mood.

Now I may go on a bernard shaw kick. Too bad there are no books around here. I need to finish Ulysses. Apparently Penelope isn't actually the name of Bloom's wife but rather the title of the last episode. . As someone felt the need to point out to me. . Because somehow it is even remotely possible that I wouldn't know that. . But I digress. That being a lifestyle choice, remember.

Oh, madness and vanity. I hate books. Almost as much as I hate music and movies. Which is to say not that I hate them but that I feel oppressed by them. I love them but as soon as you open the door to one good all of human creation is knocking and trying to get in, it's almost like it's better to lock the door and play video games. Which of course are the same thing but not yet coated with all the pretention.

I like it here. I like my girlfriend, I like my friends, I like my lifestyle, I like the snowy mountains out my window, I like my job (!!), and I'll be damned but I'm starting to like me. Now for kendo and health. I get out of breath easily. I used to be able to run 15 miles. Sigh.

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